INTRODUCTION
Marriage is a life time race. Marriage is not a contract or appointment that can be terminated at anytime. I have seen many marriages living in tears, regrets and even got separated. What causes that? The foundation is faulty. Any successful marriage, check the foundation. I have see a lots of young people who are eager to get marriage but they don’t know the secrets for a successful marriage. By the mercy and help of God I have interacted and preach amidst single brothers and sisters. Young people love relationship talk and can ask funny questions.
Singleness is a period of preparation and planning. Your better marriage start when you are still a single. Remember, it is tomorrow that define today. Right from the time of relationship there are things to do and ought not to do.
Before thinking to say “I do” you must acknowledge that life teaches that change is inevitable. The earth constantly moves and shakes; clouds rise and form, spill and evaporate; plants sprout, take root, and invade the landscape. People change too. This is the fact of life. Any good relationship acknowledges that individuals do not remain the same over a period of time. We change in appearance, outlook, and in our knowledge of the world around us.
Before two people being to plan for a wedding ceremony, they should first stop to acknowledge and explore this reality of change. Before you plan for a wedding, plans for your marriage. It surfaces quickly once a man and woman begin sharing the same, squeezing from the same toothpaste tube, and coming home to mixed piles of dirty clothes. Love shared during courtship may be quiet different from the love shared in marriage.
Soon you will be standing before many witnesses and you’ll make some promises of lifetime. But before then, there are secrets or basic things to know before getting married
Concept of Marriage
Marriage is an institution ordained by God. It is the only institution that was established before sin came into the world. Marriage is a lifetime journey till death.
“Marriage, a legally and socially sanctioned union, usually between a man and a woman, that is regulated by laws, rules, customs, beliefs.”
Sheri Stritof defined marriage as, “ a formal union and social and legal contract between two individuals that unites their lives legally, economically, and emotionally. The contractual marriage agreement usually implies that the couple has legal obligations to each other throughout their lives or until they decide to divorce. Being married also gives legitimacy to sexual relations within the marriage. Traditionally, marriage is often viewed as having a key role in the preservation of morals and civilization.”
WHO TO MARRY
As a single, who to marry should always be your prayers and daily reflection so you don't end up regretting. There are things to put in consideration which is beyond physical attraction. Have you ever ask yourself what type of person will I marry? Can you just get married to anyone? That’s why this book title 6 secrets to know before getting married. Before you get married, make sure you are at a place where you are comfortable in who you are. Know your best qualities and the things you can improve upon.
According to the words of Ayo Daniel, “become the person you desire to marry: Everyone has an ideal picture of a spouse, based on the frame of reference from their circle of influence. There is no doubt we can be inspired by living examples of thriving marriages, but the truth is marriage takes determined efforts. Everyone who desires to marry a godly, loyal, committed, loving, kind and compassionate spouse, should aim at becoming one themselves.”
As earlier stated above, choosing a life partner is a big decision and not one to take lightly. When choosing a man or woman to marry, ask yourself reflective questions and evaluate what you want. Know your own responsibilities and role in creating a happy relationship and recognize that it’s up to you to create the relationship you want. “Feel comfortable in who you are and make efforts to share each other’s families. Talk about your differences and any potential problems that may arise if you do become married.”
Now let’s look some secrets on who to marry:
1. Marry A Christian:
(2 Corinthians 6:14-15) gives a clear instruction from the apostle Paul that Christians are not to be bound together with non-Christians. When we enter into a covenant relationship with God, we are declared righteous in Christ and are brought into the light of God’s truth. So we should not have intimate fellowship with those who are still in spiritual darkness. A believer should marry a believer so that they can continually encourage each other in the Lord. It is never the will of God for Christians to be marrying non-Christians.
In the Old Testament, interracial marriages were not acceptable. Genesis 24, the longest chapter in the book of Genesis, contains one of the greatest love stories known to man, that of Isaac and Rebekah. When Abraham was very old, he made his senior servant swear by the Lord not to take a wife for his son Isaac from the Canaanites, but to go to his very own family to get a wife for him (Genesis 24:1-4).
Abraham understood very well the negative implication of having an unbelieving wife and mother. So Abraham insisted that Isaac marries a woman who is a believer.
We also read how Aaron and Miriam talked against their brother Moses because of his Cushite wife (Numbers 12:1) and Esau grieving his parents Isaac and Rebekah for marrying two Canaanite women (Genesis 26:34-35). So when it was time for Jacob to marry, Rebekah insisted that Jacob go back to her own people to find a wife (Genesis 27:46). Isaac agreed with Rebekah and sent Jacob away charging him not to take a wife from the daughters of Canaan (Genesis 28:1).
The greatest mistake you will ever do is when you married an unbeliever and think of changing her/him in the future. You must share the same faith and believe. Talking about born again in this context, mean the person must believe in Jesus Christ and living a Christ life.
2. The person you know:
The person must be your friend: Well, some may not accept this view, but It's always advisable to marry someone you are close with, someone you know very much, and you can testify who that person is. Research shows that we both know when we become angry and how to cool each other. When you get married to a person whom you have known for years it becomes very easy. Read this story of John and Katie:
Kaitie is 38 and John is 43. They’ve been married for 9 years, but they met when John was 9 and Katie was 4.
Katie: We grew up in the same small town. I was friends with his younger sister and my parents were his confirmation sponsors. Then there was a lengthy stretch of time, like, years, when we didn't see each other. I'd hear via his mom that he's still alive or around, but then I lived with his sister my senior year in college, so we sort of met again much later in life. I think if you had told either of us we were gonna marry someone from our hometown, we would've both said, "No way!"
Then, senior year of college, I was leaving for Vienna and I ran into John at a bar. We talked a lot and I was like, "Oh, I really like him." I came home over Christmas and then he gave me a CD with his email written on the inside, like, "We should be like pen pals."
To cut the story short, John later proposed to Kaitei and she instantly accepted. That’s how they both started. No difficulties because they already knew each other and they are happily living together as couple.
3. Someone you trust:
You can’t get married to someone you don't trust. Trust is key to a successful relationship. Lack of trust has ruins many relationship and marital homes. Trust in any relationship is very important. “Trust in a relationship is of the utmost importance as it allows for both parties to feel safe to be fully accepted, and free expression leads to deeper connection and a greater understanding of one's self and partner, further leading to growth and expansion,” Laura says.
Trust in relationships is key to its growth. Consider what it might be like to live a life without trust: you want to share a secret with your spouse but feel unsure; your spouse checks their messages from a friend, and you think they are lying, and so on. Relationships are difficult to maintain. Every minute of your life becomes a nightmare if you don’t trust each other.
In fact, a relationship without trust is quite chaotic and becomes dysfunctional. The post elaborates on the necessity of trust in a relationship and how to create and rebuild it. Note, Trust is the faith you have in someone that they will always remain loyal to you and love you. To trust someone means that you can rely on them and are comfortable confiding in them because you feel safe with them.
4. Marry someone you love:
Love needs an object towards which it may direct its attention, care and resource. Love gives and is therefore rewarded; the man is rewarded with a helpmate, the woman with someone to love her and provide her with security.
There are three types of love that must be practice in marriage. All are important for a happy relationship or marriage:
1. Agape
2. Phileo
3. Eros
No pity in love and you don't married someone out of pity. Both must see each other in the mirror of true love and sincerity.
“Love and trust can be the biggest reasons to marry the one you love. For a happy and healthy marriage, love and trust are quite important. You trust each other and therefore, there's true love between you. Since you already share these two things with each other, it is possible that you may share a strong bond with each other.”
Your life will be frustrating and unhappy when you marry someone you don’t love. Be warn and take caution.
5. Check the family background:
The person must be from a Christian family: When it comes to marriage, family background must not be neglected. Know it today if the character of your intended partner is questionable, it will definitely affect your marriage negatively. Family history is very important. In some culture, someone either from the man or woman side has to go and ask for the family history.
A handsome man fell in love with a lady and they had a great wedding. Shortly after the wedding, the man started putting up strange behaviour until he completely ran mad. It was after then she and her family members got to know that all the males in that family run mad and he was the last of the males in the family. If the lady and her family had carried out background checks, they might have taken a better decision whether to marry him or not. Shine your eyes. Look well before you say, “I do.”
Beloved, Family background is very important in choice of spouse. If you marry someone with a good background, it reduces stress and friction in marriage.
6. Who to marry should not be secretive:
Please, don't marry someone that you don't know his/her secret. True love don't keep secrets. Tell your partner your past life and never you hide anything from him or her. Keeping secret from your partner destroy relationship and has cast a gloomy shadow to many marriages today.
Leaving out important facts can lead to further deception or betrayal, according to author Dr. Lisa Firestone. Whereas being open with your partner will promote trust and honest communication. Relationships are damaged by lies and couples grow apart.
Terry Gaspard outline 5 reasons why keeping secrets can destroy a relationship:
1. Keeping secrets is being dishonest.
2. Keeping major secrets is a form of deceit.
3. Being deceitful breeds mistrust
4. Keeping secrets is a hotbed for betrayal
5. Relationships are damaged by lies
Note: When people keep secrets, they impede communication between them and their loved ones.
7. Maturity
Maturity is another factor in love. For ladies, the guy must be mature financially, physically, spiritually and psychologically. For guys, the lady must also be mature physically, spiritually, intellectually, and ready to be a mother. Mature people handle conflicts and differences without involving third party. Mature people love their partner unconditional and in respect of who they are. Maturity enable couple stick together when the journey get tougher. You are to know that maturity is not about age. Before thinking of getting married you are to ask yourself, is the mature physically that can be a father or mother? Is the person mature spiritually than can build the home spiritually and train the child in the way of the Lord? Is the person mature financially to cater for the needs of the family? Is the person mature educationally? Is the person mature psychologically? Many more questions should be ask before embarking on the journey of lifetime.
8. Have the same vision and purpose:
Many young people doesn't know that having the same vision and purpose is key to any successful marriage. The two partner must agree to each other, have one direction, dreams and future plans.
“How can two walk together unless they are agreed? rings more true than ever. Who wants to walk through life together miserably? And a marriage where two walk separately is not marriage like God” (Amos 3:3).
Both must have a vision in order to walk together. If one person has one vision and another person has a different vision, it might be that you shouldn't get married. You can’t share a different dimension, dream and vision. Noelene Curry explore that, “Commitment, hard work, a shared vision and a sense of humor are vital if you are going to have a good marriage.”
Marry someone who has a clear vision, purpose and passion. This three, you should ask yourself is the person am planning to get married with has them? Beloved, I always advice young people to marry someone that will support their vision to come to a reality. Don’t get married to someone that will kill your dream, vision and purpose.
9. Know the person temperament:
The temperament is the basic template with which you are created. You are created by God with certain tendencies, natural strengths and weaknesses. There is a difference between temperament and character.
“The temperament is God’s method of creating variety. Some people are born with natural tendencies for leadership or joviality. Others are born with natural tendency to flow along and to be easy-going. This is the basic structure of your emotional make-up.”
So what is the character of a person? The character is the personality which is affected by the influences of this life. The character of a person is therefore the product of his personality plus all external influences.
Some people don’t like to accept the truth about temperaments and the teachings on them. However, the reality of varied personalities cannot be avoided. It stares us in the face all the time. What we must to do is to allow the word of God to lift us higher in the strengths of our diagnosed personalities. We must also fear the reality that we have a tendency to walk in the weaknesses of our personalities. We must therefore be conscious of these realities and fight every negative tendency that is common to our personalities.
So, study and know your partner temperament is very important to any lasting relationship and marriage. Know your partner weaknesses and strengths.
RESPONSIBILITIES IN A RELATIONSHIP
Every relationship demand responsibilities. Note this before going further. Taking ownership and responsibility for your actions is an important part of healthy relationships
The responsibility is required from both partner. Though to be honest and fair, men have much responsibilities in a relationship than women. As a man who have a future plans for getting married, you are expected to play much responsibilities:
1. Taking care of her. You are to care for her financially. You need to be providing for her daily need or else someone will help you do that and she may live you.
Stinginess in a relationship is a clear indication of what the man would become in the marriage. Ladies, take note of this. Ladies also has responsibilities to play too. That’s why God made you a helpmate.
God connect the two of you to be about to become husband and wife. Both are expected to protect each other, internal and external.
2. Pray for her/him. You have given yourself a responsibility of prayer. There are forces that separate relationship especially when the two are going to make a happy home. Know that the devil is wise and know the future. You pray to God to keep the relationship pure and faithful. You pray to God to help your partner succeed in life and in anyway.
3. Love. Friends, love is a responsibility, commitment, and a great task in a relationship that will lead to marriage. You are to love her/ him by all means in respective of who your partner is. You keep striving. When you love, then you over look any wrong or mistake committed.
Don’t forget, love is patience, kind, faithfulness, sacrificial, endurance, and does not keep record of wrong.
4. Gift: Let me ask this question, when last did you buy a gift for your partner? Well, you know it better.
There is no place writing that only men are expected to buy gifts. Though the much demand is from them because it's a sign of being a responsible man. Women are also to buy gift. It's a sign of her not be a liability.
NOTE: Relationship is not for children, is for mature people.
SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE.
Premarital sex is sexual activity which is practiced by people before they are married. In some periods of human history, in some societies, premarital sex has been considered a moral issue which is affecting many young people.
There are lots of wrong teachings, encouraging sex before marriage. I disagree and I stand to condemn that. Sex is more enjoyable when you are married.
Sex before marriage has become the order of the day. Many young people are victims and guilty. It will amazed you to know that some people tag it as a prove of true love. Some also tag it as to know the strength of their partner sexually. But I stand to condemn it because is against Biblical teaching.
You will agree with me that those who are victims of sex before marriage find themselves regretting and some live with pains and guilt unless repentance take place.
“God wants us to save sex for marriage not because it’s “bad” or “dirty”— but because it’s unique, exclusive, and wonderful. Sex isn’t just casual fun. And it’s not just a feel-good way of expressing mutual love. It’s about two people becoming one flesh.”
Shana Schutte gave three lies about premarital sex:
1. Scripture is outdated, right?
2. Doesn’t sex produce intimacy?
3. Can’t sex help you determine compatibility?
As stated above, we have wrong teachings and misconception of biblical teaching on sex before marriage. But as culture continues to influence the church more than the church influences the culture, many Christ-followers have adopted the world view of sex. Many assume sex before marriage isn’t a sin because where exactly does the Bible say, “Thou shalt not have sex with your boyfriend/girlfriend, even if you think you’re going to marry him/her?”
What Does the Bible Say about Sex Before Marriage?
“Even though it is one of the clearest prohibitions in Christianity, one would be hard-pressed to find scripture on it. Many would refer to the Ten Commandments, “You shall not commit adultery,” Exodus 20:14). But this passage is about having sex with another person’s spouse.
Others might turn to the “sex chapter” in Leviticus 18 which lists every kind of perverse act that trashes the gift of sex such as bestiality, incest, threesomes, pornography, and other sexual sins.
But, before you text your girlfriend the words, “Netflix and chill,” let’s trek to 1 Corinthians 7:2. It clearly states that sex before marriage is a part of the definition of sexual immorality. In fact, all Bible passages that condemn sexual immorality as being sinful also condemn sex before marriage!
There are numerous scriptures that declare sex before marriage to be a sin (1 Corinthians 5:1; 6:13, 18; 10:8; 2 Corinthians 12:21; Galatians 5:19; Acts 15:20; Ephesians 5:3; Colossians 3:5; 1 Thessalonians 4:3). Revelation 14:4 assumes that unmarried Christian men who desire to be faithful are not having sex.
Hebrews 13:4 considers sex outside of marriage to be immoral. “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” And yes, for those of you wondering, oral sex is included in this definition.
Therefore, sex Before Marriage is a sin that affect the Temple of God in you.
DANGERS OF SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE:
Let’s consider some consequences of premarital sex:
1. It affect your spiritual growth. Let me start with this fact that sex before marriage ruins your spiritual life. Any other sin committed is outside the body but sin of sexual immorality affect the body. Scripture makes it clear that your body is a temple of God. (I Cor. 6:19)
2. It create distrust. When you involved yourself in sex before marriage, you will always suspect your partner especially when you finally settled down unless God help you.
3. You will not value/respect your partner. Have you wonder why some married men/women cheat? Sex before marriage makes you not to value your partner or respect him/her because nothing is new. You are use to the act before the marriage. On this, unless God help you, you will still be chasing other women or men outside your marriage.
4. Unwanted pregnancy. There are many singles father and mother as the result of sex before marriage.
5. HIV/STI. Some live the rest of their lives with different infection and sickness as the result of sex before marriage.
People who have premarital sex are recommended by health professionals to take precautions to protect themselves against sexually transmitted infections (STIs) such as HIV/AIDS.
A research done by Nairaland Forum suggests 10 dangers of premarital sex:
1. One tends to lose interest in the partner
2. Premarital sex affects most relationships in a negative way
3. You may become the object of gossip
4. Trauma in case of unwanted pregnancy
5. High risk of STDs
6. Having sex changes your body
7. You step into your marriage with an emotional
8. The premarital relationship may lead to infidelity
9. Premarital sex can change your outlook toward love
10.You risk spiritual damage
As we read the Scriptures and study the potential dangers, we learn that the effects and consequences of premarital sex on marriage are so much more than a quick, satisfying desire. There are dangerous spiritual roots—heart issues—created and deepened when we step outside of God’s perfect will. But He strengthens us to withstand the winds of temptation. He also offers forgiveness to make our way back. Stand firm, friend. God leads well.
When you’re having sex in a relationship what’s the point in really evaluating it? Why would you? You’re giving each other what you need. You might wonder sometimes if you’re in love or if you could spend the rest of your life with this person but you never really forced to look deeply. However when you’re not having sex you are forced to really examine it.
My fellow single brothers and sisters, are you guilty of premarital sex? God is a forgiving God.
The only remedy to overcome sex before marriage is to live by the spirit so that you don't gratify the desire of the flesh.
Benefits of not having premarital sex:
We have looked at sex before marriage, biblical view and it’s dangers. Now I want us to engage in considering the benefits of not having premarital sex.
A new discovery shows that couples who wait until marriage before having sex, live stable and happier with the quality of sex than couples who have premarital sex before marriage. So let’s get started:
1. It brings stability. One of the benefit of not having sex before marriage is your heart stays in tact for the person God has chosen for you. There are not bits and pieces of your heart in every memory of other people that you have attached yourself to intimately enough to have engaged in sex with them.
2. It build trust. Have you ever wonder why some don’t trust their spouse and even be monitoring their movement. Is because they have tested the forbidden fruit. While some trust their spouse wherever they go or been away. Not practicing sex before marriage makes you not to have doubt or suspecting your partner, talk more to monitor his or her movement.
3. Free from unwanted pregnancy.
4. Free from contacting any sexual transmitted disease.
5. It build your spiritual growth.
6. It command respect and value in the marriage.
“A statistical analysis showed the following benefits enjoyed by couples who waited until marriage compared to those who started having sex in the early part of their relationship:
Relationship stability was rated 22 percent higher
Relationship satisfaction was rated 20 percent higher
Sexual quality of the relationship was rated 15 percent better
Communication was rated 12 percent better
For couples in between -- those that became sexually involved later in the relationship but prior to marriage -- the benefits were about half as strong.” (Brigham Young University)
KNOW THE WILL OF GOD BEFORE GETTING MARRIED.
Choosing whom you’ll marry is one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make because it will extensively affect the rest of your life. It’s only natural to want reassurance that you’re doing the right thing, given its magnitude. But how do you know God’s will for a marriage partner? Does God tell us who we’re supposed to marry? To answer these questions, let us go to what the word of God says, the Bible because the word of God is the will of God.
God’s perfect will cannot be avoided when it comes to marriage. Many have gone outside God’s will and that’s why their marriages are in shambles and tears. Any pursue in life, seek God intervention and His will. Marriage is not something to go into without involving God. Remember God was the one who established marriage. Can you do without Him? The answer is No!
Finding the “right one” is the key to finding God's will and marital happiness over a lifetime. choosing whom you’ll marry is one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make because it will extensively affect the rest of your life. It’s only natural to want reassurance that you’re doing the right thing, given its magnitude.
Choosing a life partner must center on God's perfect will but many couples ended on God's permissive will.
What is God’s perfect will?
Perfect will of God is God's Divine plan for you and it cannot be change no matter the circumstances or your desires.
What is permissive will of God?
Permissive will of God is what God permits. The fact that God permits something does not mean it is His will (This one is dangerous)
“God considers marriage to be an agreement between a husband and a wife as well as a commitment between the couple and Him. He expects us to dedicate ourselves to the relationship, and to recognize our responsibilities, duties, and loyalties both to our spouse and to God.”
According to NBS article published in 2010 categorically stated that, “Knowing the will of God in marriage is undoubtedly a hard nut for many prospective spouses to crack today. The reason is not far-fetched. Some don't pray for God's perfect will while others don't pray at all. They simply size up their intending spouses and hastily make up their minds to marry them. This largely accounts for the unprecedented manner in which marriages are breaking up these days. Most people get married today not because they love their partners but because of their wealth, popularity or connections.”
“No wonder such spouses pack up their marriages the moment there is financial squeeze. Marriages contracted on the basis of love and which receive the approval of Heaven can hardly break up no matter the storm raging against them. It is for this reason that believers who want to get married are often advised to seek the face of the Lord very seriously before making up their minds on who to marry.”
May I also remind you that God cannot choose a partner for you. You make your choice. Marriage is not a must, is a choice and a gift. You can confirm that when apostle Paul addressed the Corinthians Church. (1 COR. 7:7). So how can you know the will of God before getting married? Let’s see few points below:
1. SEEK GOD FIRST: Seeking first God's kingdom is the primary factor in finding the right marriage partner. If you're committed to doing what God wants, He will direct you to the right person. Let God and his kingdom be your first pursue if you want the perfect will of God in choosing your life partner.
2. PRAYER: Sincere Prayer and faithfulness reveal your right partner.
You can't be praying to God for the right person while your mind is not inline with your request. Its shows you have made your choice and you don't expect God's perfect will. Sincere prayer direct you to the right person. Through prayer God reveal His mind and plan towards you. You need to build capacity in prayer for right partner.
3. CONVICTION: When you pray to God in sincerity, you must be convinced that he/she is the right person. Follow the taught of your heart inline with God’ words.
4. STUDY THE WORD OF GOD: The word of God is a guide in everything we seek in life. God's word will reveal to you the right person.
5. LISTEN TO THE VOICE OF GOD. While praying, learn to hear the voice of God. Remember, silent is also an answer. The person you are planning to get married, if it's the will of God, you definitely hear God's voice clearly.
Furthermore, Finding the right kind of spouse is God’s will for every believer. Although the Bible does not teach anywhere that believers need to find a specific person whom the Lord has chosen or tell us directly who we should marry, it does give us clear guidelines on finding the right kind of husband or wife.
When seeking a partner in marriage, it is essential for Christians to seek the mind and will of God, for there can be no better counsel than what is found in the word of God
CONCLUSION
I want to conclude this book by calling on single brothers and sisters to be warn and watchful as they make unrevised mistake. Marriage is a pleasure aspect of life and a journey of no return. Marriage was ordained by God for a man and woman to become husband and wife. If you know the secrets, you will not find it difficult in choosing a life partner. There is a saying, is better a broken relationship than a broken marriage.”
Friends, many marriages today are in tears and living in regrets. Singleness is a period of preparation and searching for the right person. Therefore as a single, take time through prayer to find a better partner for a better home. MAY YOU NEVER MAKE MISTAKE IN MARRIAGE. AMEN!
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